In the first half of this blog, we talked about boundaries and how our experiences and personalities (including genetics) affect the way we see and set boundaries. We also talked about visualizing the boundaries you want in your life. For example, maybe you want to set the boundary with your boss that you will stay late on days your son does not have practice, but on Tuesdays you want to be able to leave in time to get him to practice and watch him there as this is important to you. Or maybe you want to set the boundary with your son that if he keeps losing his water bottle, he is going to have to buy a new one versus you continually replacing it. Consider what boundaries you would like to set.

Next, make a plan. Come up with when and how you will set your boundary. You can even write it out and practice saying it beforehand. For the son example above, you could say, “If you keep losing your water bottle, you will have to replace it with your own money. I am not buying any more water bottles for you at this time.” Once you know what you will say, plan a time to state your boundary. For example, at work, you want to be sensitive and ask your boss at a convenient time for them away from other people. Demonstrating respect is part of setting boundaries.

Finally, be prepared for multiple outcomes. Setting boundaries is healthy, but that does not always mean people will respond favorably. Your son may get upset when you tell him you will not purchase any more water bottles for him. Your boss may demand that you always be on call when you ask to no longer stay late on Tuesdays. You must be prepared for whatever the outcome is—even if people get upset.  Preparing yourself and weighing the pros and cons of people’s responses is part of the process.  Sometimes it is not worth setting the boundary; however, most of the time it is. A trusted mental health therapist can help you process the pros and cons of boundary setting and how to do so in a respectful manner.

I am paraphrasing, but one of my favorite quotes from Nedra Glover Tawwab’s book— Set Boundaries, Find Peace: a guide to reclaiming yourself—mentioned in part 1 of this blog says this: setting boundaries is not about telling people what to do or not do. This is good news because we cannot control other people anyway. Setting boundaries is about telling people what you need and will and will not do. For example, you could say to a person struggling with addiction, “I am not going out with you if you show up to my house and have been drinking alcohol.” This tells them what you want (for them to pursue sobriety) and what you will not do (hang out with them if they are drinking).

Setting boundaries can seem daunting at first, but it leads to real peace and emotional health in the long run. If you need help setting boundaries, or with any other mental health issue, we can help. Please contact Life Enhancement Counseling Services today at 407-443-8862 to schedule an appointment with one of our licensed mental health counselors.