The book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: a guide to reclaiming yourself, by Nedra Glover Tawwab, has been gaining popularity for several years now. In it, the author talks about how to set boundaries to find peace and gives concrete examples of ways to do so in various life settings—work, family and friendships to name a few.

Many people struggle with boundaries and specifically with setting boundaries. But before we dive deep into discussing boundaries, we must address assertiveness. What makes a person assertive or passive in their communication style? Is being assertive genetic or the result of lived experience? 

A person may lean towards being more assertive or passive. Nature and nurture explain this. Some just arrive on the planet with a more outgoing personality and are more easily able to verbalize what they want and do not want. Others come here more quiet or shy. Additionally, there are life experiences that shape our personalities and communication styles. If I am raised in a home where being outspoken is frowned upon, I may grow up with a more passive communication style. Trauma also effects personality and communication. Abuse and neglect may negatively influence the way someone understands and sets boundaries and communicates in general. For example, people that have been abused by their parents as children may struggle to set boundaries as adults because disrespect for their personal boundaries was modeled by their parents.

A person’s ability to set healthy boundaries or lack thereof is affected both by their “hardwiring” (their genetics) and their life experiences. Setting boundaries requires a certain level of assertion and assertion may be lacking in those that were not born with it, were never taught it or sadly were abused or neglected. 

So where do we start? As cheesy as it sounds, I do believe that knowledge is power. The place to start is in recognizing your relationship with boundary setting and where it comes from. Are you able to set boundaries?  If not, why not?  Did you grow up seeing people in your family set healthy boundaries? Are you naturally more shy or reserved? Discovering who you are when it comes to assertiveness and boundaries is the first step. Try to be inquisitive with yourself about how you got here.

The second step is visualizing the boundaries you want in different areas of your life. Do you need to set boundaries at work, with your friends, with your kids, etc.? If so, what kind of boundaries? We can have boundaries around time, spending, responsibilities and the like. What boundaries are you missing in your life?

The third step is actually setting the boundaries, and I will speak more to this step in the second half of the blog on this topic. For now, I encourage you to take a quick inventory of your relationships. Do you need to set boundaries with anyone? Do you have insight as to why are you are struggling to do so? If you need help, we are here. Our experienced mental health therapists have the skills and knowledge you need. Please contact Life Enhancement Counseling Services at 407-443-8862 to schedule an appointment with one of our licensed mental health counselors.