People often fall accidentally and easily into patterns of emotional blackmail, especially when the stakes are high. We have all had a time where we may have felt guilt tripped into a request by a family member or coworker. The request often prioritizes what they want over our own personal wants or needs. Susan Forward wrote a book titled Emotional Blackmail in 1997. She explains how often traumatic relationships or ones that impact us negatively, often involve one person attempting to control another using their emotions. Emotional extortion (a term often used interchangeably with emotional blackmail) involves an individual exploiting a victim’s emotional vulnerabilities to control their behavior (Forward, 1997). This control jeopardizes the person’s autonomy.

Forward (1997, p. x) defines emotional blackmail as “a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten, either directly or indirectly, to punish us if we don’t do what they want.” They will often make requests that are unreasonable and demand their requests be met.

An emotional blackmailer might begin a sentence with “If you really loved me” or ask, “How can you be so selfish?” (Forward, 1997). Some patterns seen in emotional blackmailing are threats of retaliation, threats of self-harm, guilt tripping, and playing the victim. These tactics elicit fear, obligation and guilt. Gaslighting is another extreme form of emotional abuse. The abuser causes the victim to doubt their feelings, beliefs, experiences, and even their sanity (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.). Emotional blackmail is ultimately about control. Escaping a relationship dynamic that has emotional abuse requires awareness and identification of how and when it happens. Sometimes these patterns can be hard to identify and acknowledge on one’s own. Talk to a trusted friend or, even better, find a therapist to explore these thoughts with.

If you find yourself in a pattern that reminds you of what we have just described; there are things you can do! First, take a pause, don’t react immediately. The pause acts as an interruption in the pattern. You can say things like “I am not willing to make that decision at this time” or “I need time to think this over. I can’t answer you right now”. Next, practice being an observer. Forward suggests a visualization exercise of one imagining themselves going up and up in an elevator until they are able to look at the situation as an observer. Ask themselves, What is being asked for? How was the request made? How did the person react when they didn’t get what they wanted immediately? Taking some time to journal out these thoughts could also be helpful. After taking time, the individual can decide if they will adhere to the request or not based on what their own needs and wants are. Adhering to the request is not defeat either! If one makes that decision based on what they are willing to do and aren’t willing to do, they’re putting themselves first. That’s the goal. Making an autonomous decision is the goal! In this type of relationship dynamic, personal boundaries need to be explored and set as needed to ensure autonomy. After this type of control is present in a relationship dynamic, it can sometimes be difficult to notice ones own wants and needs. But that awareness is like a muscle, the more you listen to your own wants and needs, the easier they are to hear. If this pattern of events, or even part of it resonates with you, talk to someone. Please contact Life Enhancement Counseling Services at 407-443-8862 to schedule an appointment with one of our licensed mental health counselors.