01Jan

Friendship—The Practical Side

When I counsel clients about friendship, I ask them to imagine a swimming pool filled with large steps–maybe 4-5 levels total—descending into the water. I tell them that some friends we hang out with on the first step in the pool and others we swim with in the deepest part.

I want to talk about levels, seasons and reasons for friendships. Levels of friendships are what I just mentioned. Some friends stay on that first step in the pool. We may grab lunch with them, catch a movie with them or send them funny social media reels. Friends on the second and third levels will know a little more about us. We may share with them some about our struggles at work or home. We may have them over for dinner in our home or take a weekend trip with them. Then there are the deepest kinds of friends that meet us on levels four and five. This is the friend you call when you lose your job, decide to get a divorce, or get a cancer diagnosis. The most intimate friends know the most about us.

Another way you can think of it is in terms of access. Relationships have different levels of access. It is important to not give everyone top level access to your life. You should not give “level 5 access” to people you don’t know well, or people who have repeatedly hurt you emotionally or otherwise. 

This is why I love the swimming pool example. I don’t let people immediately have level five access to my most intimate thoughts, dreams and challenges. I hang out with them on level one and two of the pool steps and decide the best level for them based on how they treat me and how we connect over time. Ways that friends may gain greater access or a deeper level include: showing up (especially for harder life events), reciprocating (initiating invitations for me to spend time with them in addition to me inviting them) and expressing genuine interest in the parts of my life I deem most important. For example, friends showing up for events that involve my personal life, family and children are granted greater access.

Showing up for my kids speaks to the next part of friendship. I have learned about relationship seasons over the years. I think when we are younger—grade school and college age—we think that the friends we make will be forever. Some of the people we meet in school and even in our young adult lives do become lifelong friends. However, many people we meet along life’s journey will be seasonal. When my kids were younger, I learned this well. I wanted them to socialize with kids their age and I wanted to connect with other mothers as I was trying to get a handle on this new life role as a mom. So, I attended play dates and went to events for littles (like library hour) to connect with other moms—some of whom became by best friends in that season. Even though my kids are no longer as small, the seasonal aspect of friendship continues to be true for me as people move away or new people come into my life. Just as we have different friends for different seasons, we also have them for different reasons.

I will speak more to the “reasons for friendship” in the personal blog on this topic. For now, if you are feeling lonely, struggling to find friends, or trying to navigate difficult relationships, we can help. Our trained and seasoned therapists can support you as you learn new ways to connect with others in healthy and fulfilling ways. Please contact Life Enhancement Counseling Services today at 407-443-8862 to schedule an appointment with one of our licensed mental health counselors. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Yolanda Brailey