Mark B. Borg, Jr, Ph.D., and Haruna Miyamoto-Borg, LCSW wrote an article on relationships following PACER protocol. The PACER strategy is Pause, Accountability, Collaboration, Experiment, and Reset. This outlines a strategy for overcoming emotional conflict or disconnect in an intimate relationship. Mark and Haruna use a couple as an example to give action steps to the PACER protocol.
Things to keep in mind in any intimate relationship are that even when impact feels low, effort can be high. Reception does not equal intention. Also recognizing that practical support and emotional support are not always the same. There are sometimes overlap between these types of support, but support in both ways is a necessity. It is the manifestation or actions and words aligning, saying and doing matters for support too. Accountability also plays an important role because this helps partners realize how they “miss” each other. Again, this goes back to reception versus intention. Talking with your partner and outlining how you feel supported and how you do not helps each person understand the others’ needs more completely. Accountability gives opportunity for repair because you can identify the hurt. Repair is what strengthens connection. Care needs to be both given and received by both partners.
Mark and Haruna noted that in this couple relationship they used as an example, sometimes one partner’s desire to solve problems quickly for the other prevented them from really hearing and listening to the other partners experience. One partner reported that taking action had always been the primary way he expressed care in the relationship, He instinctively wants to solve. The effort is genuine and well meaning, but in communicating with his partner he realized that he sometimes substituted the emotional connection with fixing instead of supporting in the moment.
A rupture usually does not develop because of a partner who stops caring, it is more often ignorant than malicious. Neither party was intending to create distance; both were trying to care in ways that felt loving and familiar to them. Emotional needs evolve and change while comfortable and familiar ways of giving can remain unchanged. Habits happen, which is why Pause is helpful for step back from the frustration and look at the interaction pattern happening between you and your partner. When connection and understanding falter, resentment can grow, leading one partner to hide parts of their emotional experience due to unfulfilling conversations.
Having a specific conversation where you and your partner can discuss what support looks like for either of you in times of stress is important. We are not mind readers and it can be hard to communicate within the moment of stress so it is great to make a plan beforehand. One example of more active listening is not immediately moving a conversation to solutions. This helps support feeling accompanied in your emotions rather than managed; they are not something to be solved, but rather felt and witnessed.
Many couples assume that doing more automatically means caring more. While practical support can be deeply valuable, it does not always meet emotional needs. Partners often rely on familiar ways of expressing care without realizing that stress and emotional exhaustion can change what support feels most meaningful. Over time, couples can become highly effective at managing responsibilities while quietly losing emotional connection.
The PACER process helps couples slow down, examine the interactional patterns developing between them, and realign how care is expressed and experienced within the relationship. If this article resonated with you and you want to learn more about your own communication patterns, or repairing ruptures in intrapersonal relationships, please contact Life Enhancement Counseling Services at 407-443-8862 to schedule an appointment with one of our licensed mental health counselors.
Resources:
Borg, M. B., Jr., & Miyamoto-Borg, H. (2025). Love. Crash. Rebuild.: Alternatives to distance, destruction, and divorce. Las Vegas, NV: Central Recovery Press.
https://www.centralrecoverypress.com/product/love-crash-rebuild
