Politeness is behavior that is respectful and considerate of other people. We are often socialized to be polite. To use manners. To not offend. To consider others, sometimes to a degree that’s unhelpful to ourselves. Politeness can be shown with being apologetic, minimizing the imposition, seeking agreement, joking, or expressing optimism. Especially in the U.S., polite strategies are used often in our social interactions.

Oftentimes politeness is confused with people pleasing. Politeness as in passive or going with the flow or not having an opinion. To be polite is to make sure you are not an inconvenience to anyone else, not people catering to you. It reminds me of the mom who says no when the kids ask if they can accept the treat that was offered to them by someone else. Thinking that the polite thing to do is to say no. Politeness is often culturally dependent as well. What some may consider an impolite greeting a kiss on the cheek, may be standard somewhere else or considered impolite not to do. Politeness is an unfair scale.

People pleasing means to cater your needs to what other people want so your needs are not met. People pleasers are often considered polite because of this. But what I hear when we talk about that is I don’t choose myself I choose others. You’re trying to please others but what about you. What is it that you want?

Oftentimes people pleasing can breed low awareness of what oneself wants. One can become accustomed to always accommodating. In this habit, you don’t spend a lot of time thinking about what it is that you actually want.

“People-pleasing may look like who you are, but it’s actually something you learned to do.” When we endure trauma, or stress it can become a response to help deal with challenges. It is a way to protect ourselves. “Fawning seeks safety by merging with the wishes, needs, and demands of others.” Oftentimes people don’t choose this response, it is a reflex. It keeps us safe when we feel threatened emotionally or relationally. People pleasing can be caused by experiencing a violent parent/caregiver/partner, having an emotionally unavailable parent, being in a relationship with a narcissistic parent/partner, growing up in a family that avoided conflict or had a lot of conflicts, growing up with a parent or family member who struggled with persisting physical/mental health issues, and experiencing or being part of a group of people who experience racism discrimination exclusion or microaggressions. And in all of these situations people can feel unsafe saying no, disagreeing, or being different. People pleasing as a way of coping that puts what others need like keeping the peace or being invisible above your own well-being.

Politeness allows us to maintain physical and emotional distance in relationships. We first learned this in 1987 in a study on politeness by Brown and Levison. Their findings showed politeness regulates and signifies social distance between individuals. Vulnerability signifies intimacy. Politeness signifies distance. When we choose to share our thoughts, opinions, and feelings with others we are choosing vulnerability over politeness. When we don’t choose to share our own thoughts, feelings, and opinions we are choosing not to attend to our own well-being. Overtime your happiness, physical well-being and relationship satisfaction will suffer. It is hard because it’s a coping skill that’s often reinforced socially and culturally. Our families, the workplace, and educational systems often teach others that to keep the peace or earn others approval it is encouraged and conditioned as the right thing to do.

People pleasing and politeness lead for you and yourself to be in a long distance relationship. Connecting with yourself and what’s best for you is important in learning what needs are yours and what needs you have been conditioned to adopt as yours to avoid conflict or hurt in the past. It’s important to take time to get to know yourself again. Hang out with yourself. When you don’t have anyone else’s feelings to consider what are your choices? Do they differ when you’re alone than when you’re with others?

If you find that people pleasing describes how you feel in your relationships this might be a good time to talk to someone about it. Everyone deserves enriching relationships that meet their needs. We have to know what our needs are in order to get them met. Your needs are just as important as anybody else’s needs. The more you advocate for oneself the more people pleasing becomes less of a go to and more of a choice. It doesn’t seem like the only response anymore. You start to see other ways that you can interact with others that consider yourself a little more.

If you want to talk to someone about people pleasing and found this blog resonated for you, please contact Life Enhancement Counseling Services today at 407-443-8862 to schedule an appointment with one of our licensed mental health counselors.

Resources

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3193988/

Where People Pleasing Comes From